is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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