I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
