well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
