look no pants
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
