Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Randomize
