There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
