I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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