Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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