just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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