The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I could fuck to npr.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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