the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just had sex on a roof
Randomize
