When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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