Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
