i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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