if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
pop tarts are not kleenex
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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