I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
