My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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