I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
