Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
