i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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