I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
