I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
