dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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