don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
