If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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