Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
