yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
