K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
