Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Are we still banned from the library?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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