Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
