it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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