I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
