She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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