I just threw up on my dentist
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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