I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
