then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
