Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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