you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
