I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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