i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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