Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
