i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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