Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
