My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
