apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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