we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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