And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
