god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize