i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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