the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
