my phone needs a breathalizer
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
