dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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