the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
