You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
