im drinking this country out of the recession.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
