My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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