I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Randomize
