I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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