why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
