it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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