Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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