Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
