worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
